I am so sorry to hear of your loss, although I can't imagine how much pain you are in, I know how much pain i was in when my 18 year old son suicides in his 18th birthday 20 years ago. Hang in there the pain does lessen over time. I will recommend that you contact the American foundation for suicide prevention and find a local support group. Many are even free or a donation of your choosing. The group i chose was a huge help in my recovery. If you need someone to talk to, PM me and I will respond with my cell#. Best of luck to you in the future