Alright so just to make sure I wasn't totally nuts. I found yet another low mileage charger in my local area with the same suspension package and drove it yesterday. Yet again, I found the ride to be acceptable. So it's an issue with my car specifically, not the Chargers in general, or unibody vehicles in general.
I had performed the bounce test on my car before to see if the shock absorbers were failing. It passed the bounce test just fine, so I concluded the shocks were fine. Then I found this nugget of wisdom in the following video where the guy talks about how modern shock absorbers have multi-stage valves and therefore can't be tested properly with the bounce test:
I've concluded that the most likely issue is that the stage 1 (or small bump) valves in my shocks is worn. I think this because he said they are the ones that get worked the most and are usually the first to fail, and also because the car seems to handle medium and large bumps more or less fine. It's the washboard stuff and expansion joints that set my teeth on edge. Also, he states that the bounce test doesn't test the stage 1 valves, but rather only tests the stage 2 and 3...which are probably mostly fine in my car.
So last night I ordered brand new OEM Sachs shocks/struts for all 4 corners, as well as new strut mounts for the front (rear shocks come with mount). Typically the OEM shocks for these cars are very expensive, but luckily I found a deal on a pair of new old stock Nivomat rears for $100 (which are usually $300 each), and rock auto had the oem fronts for $70 each (only about $20 more than basic monroes) which is fair.
Keep me in your prayers that this fix the issue so I don't go insane haha!