American Management at it's finest

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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the managers we work for in corporate America, circa 2004: "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in RedmondWA) "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation) "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."(Shipping executive, FTD Florists) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
 
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Senior Manager : "You've included in your submission, an amount of $200k for contingencies. I cannot process your submission, until you itemise what you are going to spend this money on." Shannow :"With all respect, if I knew what these contingencies were, they would be specified and in the lump sum...and I'd be still asking for $200k contingency." Another day Senior Manager (different, and via e-mail) : "I find it hard to imagine the current leak emanating from a 50 mm crack, unless of course it was very very narrow?" Shannow : " I’d say the crack could be up to 50mm wide, but very very short."
 
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Me: "Fyi. Feature A is turned off in our repository" Director 1: "That’s a mistake. We wanted it on." 2 days later Me: "I was under the impression that you want me to turn it on and I did, but director 2 turn it off after I turn it on. What is going on?" Director 1: "As I indicated in the last email, we wanted the feature on. Now that we have missed the boat, please do not change anything until further notice."
 
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quote:
Senior Manager (different, and via e-mail) : "I find it hard to imagine the current leak emanating from a 50 mm crack, unless of course it was very very narrow?" Shannow : " I’d say the crack could be up to 50mm wide, but very very short."
[LOL!] that's priceless.
 
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During the same plant crisis, with a different manager. Manager : "we need some direction on this issue, let's have a meeting." Shannow : "I'll be ten minutes, as I've got to get the previous surveys on the plant." Manager : "We haven't got time for you to get all the information, we have to make decisions...and now."
 
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My wife's ex-boss (my wife was a branch mgr at a bank): "I don't pay you to think, I pay you to do what I tell you to do." Dave
 
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Note on box received at Field Engineering for analysis. " Do not open box without following ESD protocol. Static sensitive hardware inside. ESD kit enclosed."
 
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