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Are you and your partner on the same page? This is step 1.
How is this situation impacting both your personal objectives?
Age to cut the kids off.
- Thread starter burbguy82
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How is this situation impacting both your personal objectives?
This is a timely question. We have a college sophomore and a HS sophomore so we're on the cusp of having to face this perhaps.
I don't think you can really develop and hard and fast rule based only on age. I think it has to do more with trajectory and what the kid is doing. Or not doing.
I think the best formulation I can come up with is: "I will support my kids as long as it is truly helping them progress in life. When my support become enabling and causes them to no longer progress in life, I will need to stop supporting them to give them the dignity they deserve."
Gosh, 9 pages and I might have replied. Maybe it will help others?
I was brought up in the following way (and thankful for it) This transpired to the way I treated my kids.
At the age of 18 you had two choices.
Get a full time job and start paying room and board
or
Go to college and we will fund most of it, get out of college, get a job, pay your own way.
Simple stuff, you're an adult at the age of 18.
My kids always worked, even when younger, paid their own car insurance too. They never were put on our polices as a driver. Just the same as my parents were with me.
I think my wife and I did a good job, sometimes it's tough holding the line when other parents gave their kids everything they asked for.
Our kids actually saw this and were proud of their achievements and what became of some of their friends.
They are successful and we have a really good relationship with them. I think my daughter (the youngest) even thanked us more than one time. She is doing great, college grad from Clemson, bought her own house just a couple weeks ago, no help from us. As a present we just ordered a 65inch upper level Sony TV and LG Refrigerator for her to acknowledge her achievement.
My son bought his first house right after getting married 8 years ago. His wife is a stay at home mom with 2 kids. House is getting smaller now and they close to pulling the trigger on a new 5 br 3 bth house. He wasnt college material but landed a great job at BMW in SC
Also down forget to cut the cell phones off. Once out of college cell phone got transferred out of our account. To be fair to my son who didnt go to college but started paying room and board at 18 I kept him on our plan the same time frame as my daughter. Meaning around the age of 21 or so.
From my parents, to my wife and I to my kids. I put us in the middle to upper income region but by no means was a fortune handed to any of us. We all worked for it. This is why in this forum I hate the complaining on how life is unfair. Gosh if I was younger I see all the opportunities I would LOVE to pursue. Ex. I ALWAYS loved electronics and I LOVE the radiology field. Someone can get started in that field in TECH schools. Which many medical networks even prefer you get certified in.
Recent cancer diagnosis and I am AMAZED with cancer radiology too ... Life is too short to do everything I would like too. This is a great country and opportunities abound.
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My father, and his father, both said the same thing: "You only learn what you learn by age 25. The rest of your life you're living off of it." From my experience seeing others through that lens - that's true. People seem to stop developing past that age, with a few VERY rare exceptions.
My dad got cut the day he got married at 19y.o.
I got cut off the day I got married at 24y.o.
These days people put marriage on the back burner, so that's no longer a good cutoff point. All because ladies put personal body count above everything else, and guys simply don't want a used up OnlyFans model.
I do know two guys whose parents wouldn't cut them off. Guys are still single, got good jobs, one finally bought a house and moved out at ~28y.o. The other one only moved out at ~31y.o. because he got a job offer 150 miles away.
Hard choice either way. Good luck OP.
My dad got cut the day he got married at 19y.o.
I got cut off the day I got married at 24y.o.
These days people put marriage on the back burner, so that's no longer a good cutoff point. All because ladies put personal body count above everything else, and guys simply don't want a used up OnlyFans model.
I do know two guys whose parents wouldn't cut them off. Guys are still single, got good jobs, one finally bought a house and moved out at ~28y.o. The other one only moved out at ~31y.o. because he got a job offer 150 miles away.
Hard choice either way. Good luck OP.
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What’s greatly changed is affordability. Again a specific example is my buddy’s kid’s acceptance into a mediocre college that’s $88k and $48k after assistance. Can his son expect $48k for 4 years with a younger brother and sister behind? Now if any of the kids get into an elite school then yes. It will be $0-$20k so parents can fund most if not all. But acceptance is likely less than 4% today for an elite school.
It just seems that in 2025 few of the rules even apply anymore.
I cant get into this discussion on a national level. College isnt that expensive. Many people make horrible choices when it comes to cost. It's REALLY gross the waste of money for many kids cost vs salary when they get out.
This is an example of a well performing SC college one of my kids when to.
https://www.clemson.edu/admissions/undergraduate-admissions/cost-and-aid.html
I also have a niece who finished medical school and now a doctor in NY. Her parent helped her out but much of it is student loans. However she will have an income to pay them off.
Here is another New York State College.
https://www.asurams.edu/fiscal-affairs/student-accounts/tuition-payment/Tuition and Fee Schedule updated FY24_6623.pdf
I think the problem is many students are not focused on a career. Go to school and take courses that does nothing for them when they enter the workplace.
Say what?????? I'm 69 and still pride myself on making mistakes and especially still learning. I will NEVER close the learning window.
What rules? There are many paths to the same outcome. It's a waste to not do the garbage classes at community college, if possible. I'm not sure why an elite school matters much. Just a different route. One works hard one way or the other.
One rule still applies: Live within your means.
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It does seem that taking advantage of schools which have in state tuition is a wise thing today. In FL that backfires with UF which a while back had an 18% acceptance. But it doesn’t seem to be the case with all, Clemson being an example that you’ve provided.
Another factor when I was 17 we fully felt we could choose. Harvard 19%, PENN 39% (real acceptance numbers), lots of other fine schools no issues getting into. Today a kid has to settle. I get it. It’s reality when supply < demand. But the one thing that’s all lost. 18 years old is an adult. Not old enough to drink. In reality, often maturity wise still a kid. Cut them off, or not?
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Having raised three children who are now middle aged, the amount of support I provided was directly proportionate to their ambition. Just like in the real world.
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Elite schools are much cheaper, often like Harvard, free. John’s Hopkins medical, free. That’s all. Because they pertain to so few, no, they don’t matter unless one is able to attend. I’ve been trying to say is an $88k/yr mediocre college where $48k is actually paid, worth it. Maybe it’s not, especially if a parent is not in a position to do that.
LOL, I must have skipped class when they were teaching how to attend college for free. See, I learned something new today.
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2025/03/harvard-expands-financial-aid/ Amazing. What are their criteria for the 3.5% acceptance rate?
EDIT: Thanks ArrestMeRedZ for getting back on topic.
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Just to refresh. Lot of talk about college, etc. that isn't appropriate to the situation. Lot of talk about what the poster should do when his hands are tied by a sympathetic wife.
This isnt a problem between burbguy and his stepson. Its a problem between husband and wife. I am the wrong person to offer advice. My ex coddled the kids, and any attempts I made to correct the situation were met with stiff resistance. She divorced me. I suspect this situation is either put up with the status quo, or start looking for a divorce attorney.
I would give counseling a shot. Maybe they can convince her to let her son grow up. Maybe not.
That's a very generic and misogynic statement that precisely shows why marriage rates are down and divorce rates are up.
I know I replied to this thread already, with the experience of my sisters family. But I'll relate another story that might spur your wife to see the light.
Growing up I knew a guy all though school, from grade school to high school. Upon graduation from high school, I lost track of him. In about the 9th grade he started smoking pot regularly. About 10 years ago I was in a grocery store near where I grew up. I noticed a guy who looked familiar, but he also looked much older than the guy I was thinking he was, would be.
Eventually the idea that it had to be him, got the best of me and I approached him. I walked over and said "Dave"? He looked at me through his bloodshot eyes, from a face that looked 30 years older than he actually was, and he says "yeah". As I got close I could smell the pot smell enveloping him. I asked him how he was doing, and he said he had just walked to the store to buy some Beer. I said "what have you been doing since I last saw you in high school?", and he said he smokes pot, and drinks beer. I asked "that's all you do?", and he said "yep, pretty great huh".
Stunned, I said it's none of my business, but how do you support that kind of lifestyle? He said his folks pay for everything. I said your folks?, they're in their 80's aren't they, (I knew if they were still alive they would be, as his parents were close to my parents age) and he said yep, I live with them. I said so you walked here from their house, and he replied "yep, I never got a drivers license". At least he isn't out driving stoned and/or drunk...
At that point I was just amazed by his wasted life. I wished him the best, and started to walk away, he asked if I could spare any cash...
If he's still alive, he'd be 57, and his parents (if they're still alive) would be in their 90's. Which would be a similar, sad situation like @k1xv posted.
Long story short, good luck, I hope your situation doesn't end up like my childhood acquaintance.
JTK
$100 Site Donor 2025
100% on this. I'm not sure it's still accurate, but I once read of a 70% divorce rate statistic between couples who re-married, bringing kids into the equation. Each spouse is going to sway towards their own children.
I do sympathize with the OP as I struggle with two of my 4 kids. 19M and 21M. Both work, but struggling with a positive trajectory. One dropped out of 4yr college, the other was never motivated to even try.
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What age to cut off, it depends. What if a child were special needs and cannot live on their own? Maybe never. What if they were a genius but looked down on their parents and bullied them? ASAP. Two extremes. What if they were ordinary kids who became adults? Depends. But, it is clear to me that the age has gone up, 18 was cut and dry during my times. Admittedly, it’s not anymore. And I have an 11 yo.
Does his eye disorder affecting him from getting a job ?
Is this considered a legitimate disability for certain jobs ?
Age 25 a clear wind down plan/schedule your dependent understands and partner is on board with.
Same here.
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