Age to cut the kids off.

[supton]

Yesterday at my sister and BIL's place, we were there to hear the discussion between my oldest (31 years old) niece and her mom (my sister) and dad. My oldest niece has been married for 9+ years, and they have three kids. Back in 2019, my sister and BIL bought them a house. Free and clear. This last summer they sold that house and pocketed the money, as it had appreciated considerably in the last 5+ years. The niece, her husband, and three kids have been living with my sister and BIL since then.

Yesterday, the niece was asking her parents when they are going to buy them another, much fancier house that they have their eye on. They said they'd go look at it this week. Now the niece and her husband work, but they would never be able to afford the lifestyle they're living at their current fairly-new-to-the-workforce income level.

My sister and BIL asked us yesterday how the wife and I managed to not have to support our adult children financially, and I just said you already know the answer...

Egads. I am starting to see how I will likely help my kids get into their first homes. I think that is what the world is turning into. Just the way it is.

But if they ever asked me about how to help buy their next home, right after pulling a stunt like this, I'd probably tell that I would--right after writing them out of my will.

 

[Charmet37]

My kids are young adults early to mid twenties, My girls are totally independent and doing well in their careers. The only thing I still do for them is car maintenance when needed, Their mother still spoil them and buy anything they want.

 

[TheOilWizard]

Nobody said it was a parents duty. But as someone who received such an opportunity, and has turned it into millions of dollars of income, I’m eternally grateful.

Frankly it would do many parents, and kids, well if the parents taught their kids frugality and helped them out, instead of just enabling a circle of bad decisions. But when the parents have no clue, the kids won’t either.

It doesn’t need to be said when it’s clearly demonstrated with actions. I don’t proclaim taking out the trash a duty, yet I do it every week. Of course it is.

 

[JHZR2]

It doesn’t need to be said when it’s clearly demonstrated with actions. I don’t proclaim taking out the trash a duty, yet I do it every week. Of course it is.

I’m confused. You said:

“When did it become a parents duty to finance their adult children through college? I’m reading some of the posts in this thread and it seems to almost be the expectation”

So is it demonstrated, or is your question rhetorical?

Expectation? Frankly, I think it should be any responsible parents’ expectation on themselves to help their kids as much as possible. Duty? I dunno. Tomatoe tomato, perhaps.

One set of grandparents were war refugees who had nothing. One set was ok and functional in the USA. Both sides helped both of my parents. My parents didn’t do as well as I have, but they helped me to get through without any debt. My wife only had limited debt from her medical school training.

We fully take it as our duty/responsibility/whatever to support our kids. That means living responsibly and saving for more than ourselves. We do ok, so we can aggressively save and live below our means and still do fun things and lots of it. I guess that’s “privilege” to some. But it is more like dividends being paid forward from generation to generation through frugality and good decisions. It’s not lost on me that zero divorces and zero drugs in my wife or my family is a major contributing factor.

But this isn’t about me. You asked a question. Maybe it’s rhetorical, maybe it’s not.

But it seems to me that it is a parent’s duty to set their kids up for success, and to at least do as well, or better than their parents whenever possible…

 

[TheOilWizard]

I’m confused. You said:

“When did it become a parents duty to finance their adult children through college? I’m reading some of the posts in this thread and it seems to almost be the expectation”

So is it demonstrated, or is your question rhetorical?

It was a rhetorical question based on a set of demonstrated situations. I suppose you could consider it both.

 

[dishdude]

Weddings are NOT important, buying a house is important.

Truer words have never been spoken. My now divorced brother spent big on his wedding, tried talking to him at the time. Might as well have lit the money on fire...he has since told me I was right.

When I got married we had dinner for our immediate families at a nice restaurant, cost $2k.

 

[supton]

Truer words have never been spoken. My now divorced brother spent big on his wedding, tried talking to him at the time. Might as well have lit the money on fire...he has since told me I was right.

When I got married we had dinner for our immediate families at a nice restaurant, cost $2k.

Only reason we had an expensive wedding was because my MIL basically eloped as her parents didn’t approve. My wife and I sure were not going to shell out that kind of money (which we didn’t have). I’m hoping that when our daughter marries… for a miracle or something as I too think it a waste, but who knows what drama will unfold when that day comes.

 

[rijndael]

The single best wedding reception I've been to was at a winery, with a catered buffet by an outside joint. I believe they paid a fee to get the main event area, but it wasn't an open bar except for the wedding party. I'll bet they were in it for $7500, max. It beat the pants off a 6 figure wedding I went to years ago.

 

[Dave Hess]

2025 is a new year and hopefully OP can encourage son to look for work.

I understand many places don’t hire at the end of the year.

 

[burbguy82]

Well the issue is still persisting......am I just dont know what to do.

 

[John105]

Again latest example in real life. Buddy’s son accepted at MEDIOCRE college downtown. $88k with $40k assistance so net $48k per year and he’s got 2 more in HS. Is that realistic? Yet elite colleges are $0 to maybe $20k. Kids leave elite colleges with zero debt.

For giggles I looked up another mediocre school and it’s $59k with kid living from home. $72k on campus. These degrees carry neither prestige nor are they in a network that guarantees success. Tough call. I think in 1960 one could say yes, parents have an obligation. In my day, the most expensive college is $52k in 2025 dollars. Routinely 50%+ grants and loans so in 2025 yes, parents maybe reasonably expected to kick in $26k for a good college, maybe half for mediocre. But imho not $48k for mediocre. Jmoymmv we have to ask what are we getting for the money? There are shenanigans too where colleges want more applicants so they can pump low acceptance rates. My dad’s masters university has a 5% acceptance today for undergrad but I always thought it was not a great school. To illustrate I looked up Penn State and it’s around $24,000 full price kid living at home. Sounds reasonable, it’s not $88k for a questionable place.

People who have money simply have it. Ice hockey is $15k per year and $30k I’m told for elite clubs all in (unverified). There’s no shortage of 10 yo or 8 yo players. Nor are there open spots at $75k/yr prep schools. No open spots at golf or cricket clubs with near six figure initiation fees.

So whatever the parents’ obligation might be? That’s up to the parent imho and largely dependent on what they can do.

 

[TCL]

When you can't write them off on taxes anymore.

 

[John105]

When you can't write them off on taxes anymore.

What about health care? I think it’s 26 (not positive) and also I’m not sure if the current admin wants to remove that and the pre-existing conditions clause

 

[rijndael]

What about health care? I think it’s 26 (not positive) and also I’m not sure if the current admin wants to remove that and the pre-existing conditions clause

I believe those are legislative issues, congressional support is needed for changes.

 

[notharry]

Have him take the best deal he can in undergrad. Grad school perhaps pay a little more for. If the yourg person is motivated, He will do well anywhere. I have seen so many young adults that dont take school seriously. Undergrad is a rough adjustment for them. Especially boys.
My wife is an educator. She see's first hand the money parents throw at their kids and the kid doesnt perform. A long discussion needs to happen before a collage experience takes place. Outline a plan and show them how to be successful.

 

[doitmyself]

Well the issue is still persisting......am I just dont know what to do.

Very sorry to hear this. I am one of the original early "harsh" replies, that was intended to evoke more explanation and discussion from everyone. Having just turned 69 with three adult kids in their 40's, I can share that every child is unique, with varying amount of challenges. This amazes me since they all grew up in similar situations, which goes to prove just how complicated we are individually . Just like the experts exclaim that at some point a child has to quit blaming their parents for their lot in life, I suppose a parent has to accept that they cannot direct their children 100%. It's not easy. We're now juggling how much to assist our grand children, with the concept that we'd prefer to help them (tiny bit) now while we're alive vs. later.

I'm a huge proponent of seeking professional help when one is at the end of their rope. It's not easy to find competent counselors, but it seems to be your last straw. I Googled "counseling help for difficult adult children" and came up with some good reading. Just remember that DIY self-help information is not the same as working with a live, in-person counselor. They will discover stuff you overlook.

I wish you the best. Please seek help. This will not fix itself. Your and your family's health and future depend on it. It's the most manly, responsible thing you can do (to go beyond any stigma you might have regarding professional help).

 

[SC Maintenance]

What about health care? I think it’s 26 (not positive) and also I’m not sure if the current admin wants to remove that and the pre-existing conditions clause

Health insurance is separate from taxes. They can stay on a parents work plan even if there no longer a dependent - its purely an age related thing. I think they can even be married.

However health insurance for young people that are not dependents is not expensive. If there poor it may even be subsidized.

 

[John105]

Have him take the best deal he can in undergrad. Grad school perhaps pay a little more for. If the yourg person is motivated, He will do well anywhere. I have seen so many young adults that dont take school seriously. Undergrad is a rough adjustment for them. Especially boys.
My wife is an educator. She see's first hand the money parents throw at their kids and the kid doesnt perform. A long discussion needs to happen before a collage experience takes place. Outline a plan and show them how to be successful.

I guess what is generally off the table today, is what many of us had. 100% tuition reimbursement. That paid for my graduate degree.

Because I recently started googling, now I realize why many kids of friends through the years attended Temple U. Very reasonable cost but in a rough part of town.

There’s also a new camp. The buddy I mentioned who rents and earns a lot of money. He told me he hopes his 3 kids don’t want to attend college and he feels it’s not necessary. He says he didn’t nor did his wife and he never once felt it would have helped him. I said true for salary, but how about general understandings of things, like physics?

 

[k1xv]

I know a 90 year old woman who is still supporting a 65 year old son. Its ridiculous.

 

[John105]

I know a 90 year old woman who is still supporting a 65 year old son. Its ridiculous.

We saw Uncle Tom reach 99 yo. His own kids are 70’s. He bought his house in Brooklyn and it’s sorta like the houses across the street from me, maybe a little older and a little bigger. Over 2 mil now. Only after passing away did any of his kids do anything such as move into the house. 3 live in Manhattan and 2 are MDs. Not bad considering Uncle Tom barely finished high school. I agree it’s weird if a 65 yo is being supported by parents, but my wife’s cousin is 48. Never had a full time job in his life. Parents need to take some responsibility imho