adoption

Messages
47,829
Location
Everson WA - Pacific NW USA
Originally Posted By: stockrex
I am thinking of adopting, well, anyone here been there? where do I start?
Too much personal stuff to go into detail, but adopting made us learn that "genetics rule" the hard way. There are some traits in humans that you can only work with and guide the best you can, but you cannot change the very core will of a human being. It is more challenging than raising a biological, a birth, child. I would not say adoption is a noble thing, it just is a thing that will test every part of your soul and mind and body. Start with the tough stuff about parenting in general. I mean the nasty stuff. I'm not recommending any books and I'm not telling you NOT to adopt, just go a whole lot deeper than thinking you will get some infant girl or boy and it will be the same as your and spouse's biological child. This probably wouldn't be so apparent to us if we didn't have both. Contact the public and private agencies in your area. I know this post sounds trite, and I usually don't mention this publicly but you are very correct to ask and want to learn.
 
Messages
5,725
Location
Atlanta,GA
Originally Posted By: Pablo
Originally Posted By: stockrex
I am thinking of adopting, well, anyone here been there? where do I start?
Too much personal stuff to go into detail, but adopting made us learn that "genetics rule" the hard way. There are some traits in humans that you can only work with and guide the best you can, but you cannot change the very core will of a human being. It is more challenging than raising a biological, a birth, child. I would not say adoption is a noble thing, it just is a thing that will test every part of your soul and mind and body. Start with the tough stuff about parenting in general. I mean the nasty stuff. I'm not recommending any books and I'm not telling you NOT to adopt, just go a whole lot deeper than thinking you will get some infant girl or boy and it will be the same as your and spouse's biological child. This probably wouldn't be so apparent to us if we didn't have both. Contact the public and private agencies in your area. I know this post sounds trite, and I usually don't mention this publicly but you are very correct to ask and want to learn.
+1000. An acquaintance of mine adopted 3 children (not at once)from overseas and what you're saying matches his experience as well.
 

stockrex

Thread starter
Messages
2,804
Location
Michigan
Originally Posted By: Rick in PA
I don't know much about adoption, but do see it as a noble thing. Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's (hamburgers) was adopted. Adoption was one of his pet causes, he left the world with The Dave Thomas Foundation. They appear to offer support and guidance. Good luck!
Thanks, I did not know that.
 

stockrex

Thread starter
Messages
2,804
Location
Michigan
Originally Posted By: BMWTurboDzl
Originally Posted By: Pablo
Originally Posted By: stockrex
I am thinking of adopting, well, anyone here been there? where do I start?
Too much personal stuff to go into detail, but adopting made us learn that "genetics rule" the hard way. There are some traits in humans that you can only work with and guide the best you can, but you cannot change the very core will of a human being. It is more challenging than raising a biological, a birth, child. I would not say adoption is a noble thing, it just is a thing that will test every part of your soul and mind and body. Start with the tough stuff about parenting in general. I mean the nasty stuff. I'm not recommending any books and I'm not telling you NOT to adopt, just go a whole lot deeper than thinking you will get some infant girl or boy and it will be the same as your and spouse's biological child. This probably wouldn't be so apparent to us if we didn't have both. Contact the public and private agencies in your area. I know this post sounds trite, and I usually don't mention this publicly but you are very correct to ask and want to learn.
+1000. An acquaintance of mine adopted 3 children (not at once)from overseas and what you're saying matches his experience as well.
pablo, you have hit something people don't realize that most of human traits are coded in the gene. I have 2 girls and they both so different but yet so similar. I am not sure if I am ready for challenge but I know I love kids. I guess I am looking for a Used Agency Report for adoption. I hear ads on the radio and kinda apprehensive about dealing with these agencies.
 

Win

Messages
4,705
Location
Arkansas
Yeah, we've been through that mill. What do you want to know? After we put two kids through college, my wife decided we needed more kids. First, we went through IVF, no success. I was in the Ag school in college and we posted better results in barnyards then these Docs do in their offices. Then we went the adoption route. I can tell you right now that because of abortion on demand, there are very few children to adopt. If you're past your late twenties or very early thirties, adoption agencies and their teen age clients think you are over the hill, regardless of how physically fit you may actually be. They'll happily take your money, but you won't get anywhere with them. Or, we didn't get anywhere with them. You can go the private route, but that's difficult as well. I also have a law practice and thought one of my colleagues might turn up a baby, but the hard reality is that the relative handful that don't get aborted, or go to an adoption agency, wind up with the grandparents. You can also try foster parenting - some of those kids wind up with the foster parents, but the percentage is low because the goal of legal proceedings is always family reunification, not adoption. I absolutely ruled out international adoption - wouldn't consider it then, or now. So, I would suggest that you just hire a surrogate. Ultimately, that's what we did. The first one didn't work out too well, but the second one gave us a beautiful baby boy, that is my biological child, who just turned two last week, and we couldn't be happier with him. So that's my advice, after spending a decade and enough money to buy a third house, in utter futility, just hire a surrogate and be done with it. Be advised that some states are much more friendly to that process than others. When we started it, Arkansas and California were really the only states that had any legal protections for it. Other states may have followed these states. Obviously, consult a lawyer.
 
Messages
5,339
Location
Southeast Texas
Originally Posted By: Pablo
Too much personal stuff to go into detail, but adopting made us learn that "genetics rule" the hard way. There are some traits in humans that you can only work with and guide the best you can, but you cannot change the very core will of a human being.
I can share about this on a personal level. My brother and I were both adopted from birth two years apart from totally different biological parents. We are nothing alike in many, many ways. He is "out there" and the life of the party, while I am quiet, reserved and analytical in thought, for example. Our physical characteristics are far apart, too. With all that said, we DO have a common background, growing up in the same home, school and community. Interestingly enough, my wifes two siblings are all very different, too, so it just depends. Don't let any of this dissuade you from adopting though! I mean this very very humbly, my parents told us both we were the best things to ever come into their lives.
 

stockrex

Thread starter
Messages
2,804
Location
Michigan
Originally Posted By: Win
Yeah, we've been through that mill. What do you want to know? After we put two kids through college, my wife decided we needed more kids. First, we went through IVF, no success. I was in the Ag school in college and we posted better results in barnyards then these Docs do in their offices. Then we went the adoption route. I can tell you right now that because of abortion on demand, there are very few children to adopt. If you're past your late twenties or very early thirties, adoption agencies and their teen age clients think you are over the hill, regardless of how physically fit you may actually be. They'll happily take your money, but you won't get anywhere with them. Or, we didn't get anywhere with them. You can go the private route, but that's difficult as well. I also have a law practice and thought one of my colleagues might turn up a baby, but the hard reality is that the relative handful that don't get aborted, or go to an adoption agency, wind up with the grandparents. You can also try foster parenting - some of those kids wind up with the foster parents, but the percentage is low because the goal of legal proceedings is always family reunification, not adoption. I absolutely ruled out international adoption - wouldn't consider it then, or now. So, I would suggest that you just hire a surrogate. Ultimately, that's what we did. The first one didn't work out too well, but the second one gave us a beautiful baby boy, that is my biological child, who just turned two last week, and we couldn't be happier with him. So that's my advice, after spending a decade and enough money to buy a third house, in utter futility, just hire a surrogate and be done with it. Be advised that some states are much more friendly to that process than others. When we started it, Arkansas and California were really the only states that had any legal protections for it. Other states may have followed these states. Obviously, consult a lawyer.
I always wanted a large fam, I am 40 so the clock is ticking... Wow, local adoption sounds near to impossible. I never thought about hiring a surrogate. IVF clinics are like buying a lottery ticket, you never know if you will win. So, now I understand why I see all these internationally adopted kids around my town. I don't know if I can foster, I get too attached.
 
Messages
6,112
Location
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
I have adopted 6 cats so far. Actually the first one adopted me (followed me home, etc.) Two more I got from different shelters. The next one I got from a vet. The last one I got was from an ex-co worker. I only have 2 cats at any time, but since they are often old when I get them, they sometimes don't last me very long. Generally speaking, I find the cat adoption agencies a pain to work with. The vet and ex-co worker were much easier to deal with.
 

Win

Messages
4,705
Location
Arkansas
Originally Posted By: stockrex
.... Wow, local adoption sounds near to impossible. ....
Not necessarily, depending on your tolerance for risk, it might be very easy for you. You just won't know until you investigate your local situation and make a decision on what you can handle and what is right for your family. I'm afraid even international adoptions are probably becoming more difficult. The dolt that put her child alone on a plane back to Moscow with a little note that she didn't want the child anymore brought a lot of unwanted, but probably needed, attention to those, and, afaik, the numbers have really plummeted in the last few years. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 
Messages
606
Location
Ono, Pa
Do you only want infants? If you are willing to take older children, adoption becomes much easier. In PA, there are tons of children legally free for adoption, but most people only want healthy newborns or infants. ref
 
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