A Scottish Sheep joke.

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Jul 10, 2003
Not Seattle, but close.
An old man with some strange talents was out hiking in the boonies of Scotland and as nightfall approached, the only place he could find for shelter was a small farm. After knocking on the cottage door, and asking the farmer if he could havea bed for the night, the farmer regretfully told him his cottage was full, but that he was welcome to spend the night in the barn with the animals. The old guy accepted, and to his pleasant surprise, the farmer soon came out with a warm dinner for him.
After he had eaten and was lying back relaxing, the man decided he would do something good for the farmer to repay his hospitality.
The next morning at breakfast, he told the farmer that he had the gift of being able to communicate with animals, and had spoken with the farm animals last night, asking them what they thought would make things run smoother, and thus make the farmer's life a bit easier.
The farmer was dubious, but polite, so he listened with feigned interest as the old fellow related his conversations.
He said the horse had complained about the new bit he had, how it hurt his mouth, and if the farmer would go back to using the old one, he was certain he could pull the plow harder and faster.
The farmer was a bit surprised, since he had indeed gotten a new bit for the horse recently.
The old man went on, saying that the cow didn't like the gloves the farmer wore while he was milking her on cold mornings, the dogs complained about the food, etc.
Finally the old man leaned forward and said "Then I had a talk with the sheep..."
The farmer slammed his fist down on the table, and as his face turned beet-red he shouted "Hold it right there! Those sheep are darn liars!"

[ March 15, 2006, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: 59 Vetteman ]
A kiwi, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, G0d went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of G0d, "Where have you been?" G0d sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet,- replied G0d, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

G0d explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" G0d continued, pointing to different countries. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by G0ds work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said G0d. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"

G0d replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting, Kiwi ******** I'm putting next to them".

Originally posted by asiancivicmaniac:
can somebody explain the first joke? i don't get it.

OK, you see, the sheep.......well, they're......ummmm........you know.........like.........sort of........kinda.......well, they're liars, you see?
Whats the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey you, get off of my cloud" whereas a Scotsman says "Hey McCleod, get off of my ewe"...
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