A Lot of Funnies from MSU to Lewis and Clark

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Oct 22, 2003
By Detroit
Boring Class

A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.

At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase.

For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball.

On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.

Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.
Bird Calls

One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Then it dawned on them...

During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.

"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
Driving Lesson

My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."
Airline Humor

- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

- "Last one off the plane must clean it."

- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

- This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."


When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
~~~~~Real Signs and Advertisements

- Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

- On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

- From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

- On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

- On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
Good Milk

There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Traffic Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Election Win

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"


The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
The Perks of Being Over 50

-- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

-- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

-- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

-- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

-- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

-- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

-- Things you buy now won't wear out.

-- You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

-- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

-- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

-- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

-- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

-- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

-- You sing along with the elevator music.

-- Your eyes won't get much worse.

-- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

-- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

-- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

-- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Church Etiquette

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
House Shopping

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"

Dad replied "Maybe."

Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!"
A River...

In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish."
You've got some good ones there!

The stories of the college classes made me think of one that happened years ago. This story is 100% true.

I was taking one of those "filler" college classes. You know, a class that you have to take to graduate, but yet you know that you'll never use what you learned ever again. There were about 90-100 people in this class and you stepped up to get to the back of the class. In other words, the rear of the class was built up, similar to a sports auditorium. It was probably about March or April of the school year and the college policy was that if the instructor was 10 minutes late, you could leave the class and not be counted as absent. The instructor was brilliant, but highly eccentric and you never knew what to expect from the guy and it was hard to know if he was serious or joking.
Anyway, we were sitting in class waiting for him to arrive and his 10 minutes was just about up. With little or no time to spare, he came into class dragging a big, heavy, cardboard box. He gets it to his podium, looks up and (with all eyes fixed on him) says in a loud voice: "How many of you people here like fruitcakes?" Everybody just looked at each other and nobody raised their hand. Then he said "Come on now, surely there's a few people here who like fruitcakes...." Still nobody raised their hand. So the guy reaches in the box and pulls out a candy-bar sized fruitcake, (yea, the ones you eat at Christmas) opened it up and starts to eat it. He than says "Are you sure nobody here likes a fruitcake?" As a few people raise their hand, he starts flinging them out, like a hot dog vender at a stadium game. Probably about 75% of the students wanted a fruitcake and everybody who wanted one got one. There were quite a few in the box.
As we were all sitting munching on the fruitcakes for a minute or two, he said: "I had to get rid of these things. I was storing all these fruitcakes in my garage and the mice and rats started to get into them and eat them". (Remember that it was hard to tell if he was ever kidding or not) Everybody suddenly was inspecting their fruitcake and eyeing it suspiciously.
It was about that time when a few of the women started to get the gag reflex and I remember one or two of them running out of the classroom to the restroom.
The guy kept a straight face, and to this day, I'm not 100% sure that he was kidding.
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Good stuff!

I had an American Thought and Language Prof at MSU that peed himself the first day of class. Literally stood in front of the class and let loose all over the front of his pants. He also continually chewed on huge vitamin C tablets as he spoke. Easily the oddest thing I've ever seen in a classroom.

No one said a thing to him and many of us wondered if he was just waiting to see our reaction. Maybe we were all part of an experiment or maybe the guy just had a weak bladder, although it never happened again, just that one time on the first day of class.
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The guy kept a straight face, and to this day, I'm not 100% sure that he was kidding.

No one said a thing to him and many of us wondered if he was just waiting to see our reaction. Maybe we were all part of an experiment

Professors are weird.
Had a technical writing prof at the Univ of Michigan engineering school who put a video on and left the class to have a smoke. The video was some guy reading a manuscript on technical writing. All you saw was his chrome dome as his head was bent over the manuscript. One by one, students left. When the prof got back I suspect the room was empty.
When it came time for a mid-term exam for Strengths of Matrials, our professor dropped off the exams and left. It was an hour later, and we hadn't seen him, and a friend of mine popped his head in and was shocked to see us because he "just saw the professor at the grocery store"! The prof had plenty of time--most of us spent a good two hours on that exam.
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