A Friend Stole My Lunch - GRRRRR

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One of my co-workers had a mother who was making a large order of food for some shindig. Supposedly she had made more than was needed so she came to work and offered plates of a home cooked meal for $5. I think its pretty cheesy to try and pass things off on co-workers but Im also a single guy and pretty busy so homecooked meals are rare. Anyway, I purchased a plate of food that was delivered early this afternoon.

Anyway, a friend of mine heard about it and I guess the main course was a dish he really liked and he started bugging me to let him have it. He was calling me names for not sharing and this went on for some time. Finally I offered to sell the meal to him for the $5 that I paid and of course he wasnt interested. He kept on harrassing me and calling me a buster for not sharing until finally I said fine if you need it that bad then take the whole thing.

His response was, "I win".

I dont know why but Im kind of upset about this and think that Ive lost a friend. Its only a $5 meal and it shouldnt bother me but the fact that it was a homecooked meal which is rare for me and a bit of a treat sort of made it special. The fact that he said, "I win" instead of thank you leads me to believe that he assumes that Im a fool who can be taken advantage of if you beg me enough.

I dont really know why Im bothered by this but I sort of am. After he said, I win like it was a contest to see if he could take advantage of our friendship I sort of felt that I would rather have flushed $5 down the toilet than given him the meal. If he won then doesnt that mean that I lost?

Im seriously getting where I dont like to do nice things for people because its not appreciated. I feel that my heart is hardening every time something like this happens. I feel that I should be able to buy myself a meal without friends wanting to take it.

I seriously am not the type of person that wants to buy a meal share it with others and then eat the leftovers. Maybe thats selfish but thats how it goes. If I buy myself a meal then its for me. If I buy you a meal then its for you. I get upset when I buy myself something and others want me to share. I just dont want to buy a meal and then get the leftovers from it. I have visions of being in a dorm when the pizza man comes and then having half the floor magically drop by for a visit hoping to scam a slice. In college it took me about 2 weeks to learn that if you wanted Pizza then you had to go out to get it. Because if you ordered delivery then youd be lucky to get 2 slice of the pie.

I dont know why this bothers me but it does. I hate losing a friend over a $5 meal and yet it seems to run deeper. Its like he feels that I owe it to him to share and hes going to hound me until I give in to what he wants. Everytime I do something nice hes there to beg a part in sharing. If I buy a DVD he wants to borrow it. If I travel to go see a game then he wants to go but not share in the gas. Im going anyway and Im a buster if I dont let him tag along. What is a buster anyway? Hes becoming a serious mooch and it bothers me. He makes a good living and in fact his paycheck is probably bigger than mine. I live a thousand times more modest than he does in fact I probably live more modest than anybody you can imagine. I dont have to live modest but I want to be worthy of a family if ever I should attract one. Because I live modest doesnt mean that I should be a charitable organization for others that dont.

I usually try to be 3X as generous as my friends but I hate people feeling that I can be taken advantage of because Im soft.

Right now, I want to scream and throw things and maybe Bitog is a good place to get this off my chest. I seriously feel that I played the fool both in buying the meal and then giving it away.

Oh Well.......

Life maches on. I lost $5 and I lost a friend. $5 is easy to come by and maybe I will have more room in my life for a friend that sees me as interesting rather than as lunch money. You live. You learn.

Sorry for my whine. Usually I want people around me to be happy.

Happy Motoring All,

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Bugshu
 
Do not share your life with this parasite. Don't tell him you bought a new DVD. Do not tell him that you're going to a game.

You have the liability of needing, or wanting, to be liked by others. There are those who merely use you as a facilitator or enabler for their manipulative personality/character disorders. This fellow is one of those types.

You are not the defective one. Do not justify yourself to yourself. Let this individual experience the alienation that is the consequence of such antisocial behavior.

This guy sounds like a crack junkie for taking advantage in all situations that the world presents to him. You're merely a convenient and accessible resource to further his "need". He, if challenged, would rationalize it with "You're the fool who allowed me to do it to you" ...just a bit down the road from "You (or he) didn't say anything about it". When something is wrong ..it's wrong ..period.

I would recommend a contract with yourself not to enable this clown ever again. I'm very serious when I say that this guy (based on your description and that it is to the point where it has this impact upon you) is a highly functional, but extremely disturbed individual. He will be very skilled at getting you to give him future access to screwing you over again. You will attempt to shut him out ..and he will attempt to snag you with initial overtures of balanced and normal relations ...then as soon as you are conditioned to be taken advantage of again, he'll be right back to the same crap.

I'm naturally projecting my view based on what you've posted. During my 5 years in human services, I saw the most intense, yet insidious, emotional disorders. This guy would qualify if he wasn't an otherwise functional individual. I'm also projecting based on the severity of the things that I've seen.

Shut this jerk out and never let him in ..no matter how pathetic the pseudo plea is from him to let him back in. Just keep your "6th sense" tuned and watch for the creation of stuff that will, more or less, manipulate you into an enabling situation again.


I don't mean to get so "intense" here. I like it light, so to speak, but I've seen this stuff before and it's not a joking matter. I wish I could more effectively articulate some of the behaviors that I've seen, and how extremely difficult they were to alter (in a psychiatric environment) ..where Phd's and Masters level clincians were tripped up by this type of personality.

Okay ..I'll now return you to "Gary-Lite"
grin.gif
 
We don't or can't know your history with this guy. But anything that deeply bothers you and can be controlled (by ditching this guy or whatever) should be done. I'm not saying to get rid of this guy..but some how this annoyance must stop for you.
 
Just quit selling yourself short. You gave your lunch to a known bum, loser and mooch, a friend didn't steal it. Move on.

It's interesting though - the left over food thing for $5.....some people will sell anything.
 
The answer by Gary Allan made sense. Follow it. That $ 5.00 meal was worth it to demonstrate to you how disturbed your "friend" acts.

offtopic.gif
Off topic. Reminds me of an office worker who came to me upset she had to pay a ticket for parking in a place selected by her date, their first date. I startled her by saying how wonderful. Then explained for $ 50.00 you now know all you need to about this jerk without investing any more time or energy. You can read the sign posts or just keep making mistakes.

Now, as Pablo asked, what was on the plate?
fruit.gif
 
quote:

Dude sounds like he's pathelogical.

Exactly! He's severely damaged goods.


Most here would just think the guy is lame and say "Take a hike bozo!" ..and leave it at that.

Unfortunately this type of personality doesn't prey upon those who can cope with his issues. He seeks out those who are "nice guys" and have a need to be "nice guys".

Now I've seen just plain "tight wads". They're annoying, but harmless. They're always there for the free coffee or the stuff you bring in for the holidays ..this and that ..but are conspicously absent when the plate or hat is passed around to contribute to the group (never buy coffee if it's not company provided ..it's never "their turn"). This is not the same thing. These are semi-passive opportunists that are stuck in a lifestyle of cheapness. Although I don't find it particularly "social" ..it's not nearly as aggessively preditory as those who appear to go out of their way to be on the upper end of every exchange in their interactions with others ...especially if it's a certain other.

No socially balanced individual would have this disposition toward anyone just because they can.

Also keep in mind that the odds of you working with a group where everyone is "normal" is pretty slim. The term "having your act together" has more meaning than most of us give it credit for.
 
Bugshu,

Don't let this experience "harden" you away from being a "nice guy" in general. You just have to be a little more careful what you allow others to do to you. Being a "nice" person will give you great joy when you're older and look back at your deeds. I recently spent a half hour, three dollars for gas, and eight miles out of my way to help someone that ran out of gas - the thank you and appreciation was "priceless".

And......if you have the passive aggressive nature, follow my father in law's example: bake some brownies laced with Exlax..........
 
Good advice above. =-)

Just take a hardline, if you bought it for you, its yours. If your "friend" wants it, tell him where he can go buy it. Especially with food. I hate food moochers. Theres a couple people at work that alway want to "share" my pizza when I have it... I tell 'em 10 dollars a slice if they want one. If they protest, I tell 'em tough luck, its my time and gas money to go get more for myself.
Besides, they can just as easily go get their meal as I did. To bad for them if they don't like my rules.
No, I havn't sold a slice yet. Wish they would take me up on the offer, makes a good profit margin. =-)

Alex.
 
I once had a roomie who insisted on drinking all my soft drinks without asking(I would have given him all he wanted) or ever buying any himself. I got fed up and replaced about half a bottle of Mountain Dew, which my own special fluid. I watched with amusuement as the level in the bottle diminished each day.
Of course, this was in my younger, more vengeful and less mature time.
 
doityourself is correct ..but I think you know that. You can't deny your nature. Always seek out people of good will and always extend good will as your first overture toward all. Sometimes you get lucky and get that "priceless" feeling that makes it a pleasure to be who you are.

But never put good virtue into a bad or losing situation.
 
Sometimes there is a fine line between working on your karma (what you get out of life depends on the intentions you put into it) and being a pushover. The way you navigate that line is by making a formal decision about where the line lies, and then enforcing it as nicely as possible.
 
OK..here's what ya do..buy a chocolate breakfast bar and a box of exlax..melt the exlax and pour it over the breakfast bar..take it to work and let him beg for it..........play hard to get.......about two hours later....enjoy the fun..
fruit.gif
 
getting even requires that you descend to the level of the one you want to get even with.

Right..now your learning some of the rules..it gets to be more fun when YOU create some of the rules..when YOU can make someone play by your rules than you ascend above them..which is more fun..control is the name of the game..welcome to planet earth
 
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