A bit on "absent fathers"

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

Congrats on the 40. That is no small accomplishment. Once a couple gets older, as the kids go, the house becomes the empty nest... This is when you really have time to figure out / realize if you are with the right one. Both of us were close to marrying others some time before we met. Yet, now we are about to hit the #45 in a few months. Shocking! I keep asking "where did it all go?" Maybe it is TRUE. They say "time flies when you are having fun!"
So funny to read your comments as we are almost mirror image. Except we are both having hearing issues and blame each other for not answering, not hearing or understanding what is said. Finally laughed and admitted it is BOTH of us who cant hear well. My sister always said "yall make me sick! Stuck together like glue." LOL.

Confession to make. I said I was lucky and believe that. But SHE is a WOMAN. In all of the near 45 years I am certain that I have been told a sincere "I am sorry" not more that 2 , MAYBE 3 times." "I am sorry is not in some folks DNA."

 

[john_pifer]

I agree with your points, but not the main response. I'm happy you have been married for 10 years, and that is the life goal of many, but unfortunately not the norm. All it takes these days is for a woman to think the grass is greener on the other side, and half of what you have worked for is now hers. 80% of divorces are filed by women.

That’s a cynical and untrusting view of things.

I think your viewpoint will change when you meet the right woman.

 

[Astro14]

That’s a cynical and untrusting view of things.

I think your viewpoint will change when you meet the right woman.

I think we can all agree that you are an extraordinarily lucky man in that regard.

 

[brianl703]

Regarding meeting the right woman:

Male Reality Calculator

Find out the chances of meeting your ideal woman. (realitycalc.com)

realitycalc.com

 

[chrlsful]

You are supposed to know this up front and understand that's a clue to not get married in the first place.

I didnt and I worked for the system

 

[tbm5690]

Regarding meeting the right woman:

Male Reality Calculator

Find out the chances of meeting your ideal woman. (realitycalc.com)

realitycalc.com

Lol. I'm a firm believer that only one woman in the world meets my criteria

Interesting calculator nonetheless.

 

[2strokeNorthstar]

We spend more time researching our car purchases then we do choosing our life partners, soul mates, kindred spirits or whatever your preference is. Everything is wonderful until it isn’t and then the knives come out. Second marriages are usually more long lasting then first marriages because neither party wants to go thru another divorce. Choose wisely.

I spent 13 years in an evaluation period until I married my wife. I make much worse decisions on vehicles. BMW ownership is also wonderful until it isn't

 

[KrisZ]

That’s a cynical and untrusting view of things.

I think your viewpoint will change when you meet the right woman.

I think being overly cynical is not a good thing, but also being overly optimistic is not good either.

How long have you been married? I wish you all the best, but as the saying goes, don’t celebrate too early.

BTW, 17 years married here and I don’t know how it will go and what the future holds. Those 17 years were not without some rough times, but we worked to overcome them. So I’m hoping that’s going to continue and nobody will just bailed out all of the sudden, but I can only hope, nobody knows what the future holds.

 

[john_pifer]

I think being overly cynical is not a good thing, but also being overly optimistic is not good either.

How long have you been married? I wish you all the best, but as the saying goes, don’t celebrate too early.

BTW, 17 years married here and I don’t know how it will go and what the future holds. Those 17 years were not without some rough times, but we worked to overcome them. So I’m hoping that’s going to continue and nobody will just bailed out all of the sudden, but I can only hope, nobody knows what the future holds.

Thanks.

We’ve been married for about 2.5 years, so, really still in the honeymoon phase.

Congratulations on being married for 17 years!

 

[Dave Hess]

Bottom line:

Some men find and marry great woman….. Other men find and marry evil, gutter scum.

 

[doitmyself]

Bottom line:

Some men find and marry great woman….. Other men find and marry evil, gutter scum.

And, of course vice versa. Plenty of men are messed up mentally.

 

[Dave Hess]

And, of course vice versa. Plenty of men are messed up mentally.

Very true but some men are so desperate to marry a woman they will be willing to settle for anything….

Women generally have more suitors to pick from and have more choices.

 

[UncleDave]

Bottom line:

Some men find and marry great woman….. Other men find and marry evil, gutter scum.

true - there is also an in between I've seen.

...and sometimes both are great people - just not with and to each other.

 

[UncleDave]

Women generally have more suitors to pick from and have more choices.

Till about 35-40 then it flips.

 

[chrlsful]

Ahhhhh....there's the "judge"...congratulations.

When you have no legal recourse, all modes of contact are blocked, threatened that if I ring the doorbell, the Police will be there before my finger leaves the button...and then they are now 24 hours drive away in a "secret" location, what exactly are you suggesting would be an honorable course of action ?

Last words from my daughter were in July 2020, in a chance mall encounter "Love you too Dady"...and nothing since.
Last words from my sone were in August 2020, again in a mall encounter "Leave me alone, you wouldn't understand"...then spun on his heal...and then erasure from all media.

the son's comments seem typical ofa teen - all hormonie & unbalances/in the moment. I'm thinkin it meant "engage me deeper on this. I am having trouble negotiating." The separation is tough. Oz has the same old englsh law as we here in merica. Attempt to approach the court requesting contact.
I gave it to them on what form they wanted as both agree kids need parent( S ). 10, 20 yrs of supervised visits 2hr, 2x/mo. Now we R beginning a relation w/o bound, binds, belligerent oppressors. I DoNot attempt any convincing but honesty (esp regarding her troubled mother, as some 1 must B 2 want to keep infant, children and youth from their parent) in being who I am. I think I will wait a few more yrs (she'll B 30 y/o) B4 asking if she wants to hear what I see as the over riding influences on the mess/disillusion of the family (& my take, a separate issue, of the mother). Family secrets are not good in family systems. That's what exists w/o all ppl's truth (& there can B several truths). Humans can hold opposite in the mind w/o exploding.

As OP, hope U got/R getting what the post meant to ~

 

[wtd]

I experienced the father abandonment growing up. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister 3 and we moved from NY where we were born to CO.
We had contact with my father for about five years after that but eventually we didn't and we never saw or talked to him again. He passed away when I was around 24 but I didn't even find that out until about two years after the fact. Luckily I had a great step-father who filled the role of father so I never missed my own father.

I also experienced the divorce side of things myself when my kids were 8 and 6. She made out like a bandit in the divorce with me paying a significant amount of child support, had to carry medical insurance on the kids and pay half of any costs not covered by insurance. She also got 65% of my retirement fund. She also moved about 65 miles away so seeing the kids was about impossible given the job I had. To say I was bitter was an understatement. I had the limited every other weekend and one Wednesday a week visitation which was impossible to do since I had to work weekends. I had to pay child support until each kid reached the age of 21 because they both went to college.

I saw the kids as much as I could but it really wasn't enough to form a great relationship. I see my daughter occasionally because she only lives about 30 miles away and in a house that I own. My son lives about 85 miles away and I haven't seen him in a long time.

On the relationship side of things, I have been with the same woman for about 18 years but we are not married but have lived together for around 15 years. We are happy with how things are so who knows if we will ever get married. She is also divorced with two kids.

I will say that where I live, I know way more men that have been screwed by the system then woman and from my perspective, the system is very unfair to the non-custodial parent which in most cases is the man.