Amen! Tell it, brother.
A bit on "absent fathers"
- Thread starter Shannow
- Start date
Well in that case it's required by the state. It's going to be state dependent so better to know before hand.
Resources.Value….?
The courts are very bias against men in divorces and custody battles. It’s always guilty until proven innocence for father. Men are seen as the second class parent and the first class bank account. I have first hand experience with this. Had to fight tooth and nail and spend nearly all my life saving to be a part of my older kid’s lives. Simply cause I’m a man. I had a steady job, made good money, no addition issues, no violence issues, no criminal record, loving father by all accounts - magically, enter the courtroom and I’m automatically assumed a deadbeat. It was a tough and dark time. But we pulled through. We all moved on from it and I’m very much an active part of my kid’s lives.
Now as far as the article is concerned, men “walking out” on their kids is a cowardly act. If you’re bound by a bias legal system that’s one thing, but choosing to leave is another. If you won’t fight for your kids what would you fight for… What else could be greater?
Anyways, if you’re going through it, please don’t give up. Kids need a father. I’ve been there, too - don’t quit!
Now as far as the article is concerned, men “walking out” on their kids is a cowardly act. If you’re bound by a bias legal system that’s one thing, but choosing to leave is another. If you won’t fight for your kids what would you fight for… What else could be greater?
Anyways, if you’re going through it, please don’t give up. Kids need a father. I’ve been there, too - don’t quit!
This is pretty much the way it is in Texas also with the money. The kids are always a wildcard though.
With my first wife we we pretty much made a big spreadsheet and split it all right down the middle. We did not have children. I kept the house, but had to pay my portion of the equity, which was offset by my then-wife's retirement holdings with a large corporation.
I ended up about $13K out of pocket, which I had to borrow, but oh well. Zero alimony. I tripled my money selling the house 4 years later, so it all worked out.
We actually parted on pretty good terms. She was happy to get that much money in an uncontested divorce proceeding, and I was happy to get on with my life. We were both glad we didn't spend a bunch of money on lawyers, and we both agreed we just got married too young.
I must be doing it wrong then
They CAN be. But only if the person learns from the experience and improves their relationship skills, including how they pick a partner.
However, most DON'T do this, meaning the actual outcome is most 2nd and subsequent marriages also end in divorce.
I did the work. I've been married to oilBabe about 2x as long as my first marriage lasted. But I also realize my outcome is not typical.
It's difficult to "slip one past the goalie" if you are unable to take a shot on goal.
"...Girls not as much but I’m sure that’s no picnic either...."
"...Kids need a father..."
opposite gender become a bit twisted as well. There is a male AND a female mode of nurturing. One parent mitigates the influence of the other. An adult bonding experience is witnessed by either gender offspring. And on and on...
Courts are not made for families they are made for financial decisions. Made for winner take all, never a truth in families as dissolution = every1 looses. The emotional never is met. Mediation (usually better done when provided by a mental health rather than legal systems pro) can adapt the legal to a family system.
Deadbeat dads are a misnomer. Most (all?) kids, even boys, grow up hoping for 'mates' and children/offspring. Some dream run off of this merican standard. When a marriage goes bad that's a loss, a trauma. They usually do worse on a feeling level than women (dont handle emotions as well). Are less verbal than the females. A court system, oriented as it is, aint great in this scenario. It can exacerbate difficulty right at a man's vulnerability. Removing oneself from that pain (impediments to contact with ur child(ren) pilling on more and more demands (and manipulations at extreme levels) for funds. It can B devastating (and right at the most traumatic time in many's lives) crushing. Some remove themselves from the playing field, at any cost, just to avoid that pain.
My 'ex' claimed I wanted sex w/our 1, 2, or 3 y/o (she was/is a survivor w/o healing). Made 120K$ a yr, I - 45. Has some mh issues so is a bit flamboyant w/emotions. The judge was known (a social worker B4) to make decisions on her own emotion. Seeing my ex's reactive state (& her PhD) attributed it to a reaction from activity on my part (rather then her 'apparent competence'). At any rate, not to develop an even longer post. She was able to sever my legal parental rights (me/children to know each other, me to have shared decision making in their lives, even that -decades our contact was @ a center w/a supervisor 2 hr 2xmo). This is some one who has had suicidal attempts, is a member of the 12 Step group sex & love addicts anonymous, is a work-a-holic, etc. I was financially ruined (50% of my income for near 20 yrs) while this, her 3rd marriage (2nd w/children), was mainly following her around the country w/each move (she needed to move 5 X in 7 yrs) where my wrk (need to B settled, become known/trusted in the locale) became 2ndary - I became main caretaker ofa 30something a new born'na 6 y/o. Isolated, home bound - I should have got the payments rather than they run the other way (o0OP, that's for 'child care' post separation). Gettin ona rant here, LOTs MORE, better stop.
"...Kids need a father..."
opposite gender become a bit twisted as well. There is a male AND a female mode of nurturing. One parent mitigates the influence of the other. An adult bonding experience is witnessed by either gender offspring. And on and on...
Courts are not made for families they are made for financial decisions. Made for winner take all, never a truth in families as dissolution = every1 looses. The emotional never is met. Mediation (usually better done when provided by a mental health rather than legal systems pro) can adapt the legal to a family system.
Deadbeat dads are a misnomer. Most (all?) kids, even boys, grow up hoping for 'mates' and children/offspring. Some dream run off of this merican standard. When a marriage goes bad that's a loss, a trauma. They usually do worse on a feeling level than women (dont handle emotions as well). Are less verbal than the females. A court system, oriented as it is, aint great in this scenario. It can exacerbate difficulty right at a man's vulnerability. Removing oneself from that pain (impediments to contact with ur child(ren) pilling on more and more demands (and manipulations at extreme levels) for funds. It can B devastating (and right at the most traumatic time in many's lives) crushing. Some remove themselves from the playing field, at any cost, just to avoid that pain.
My 'ex' claimed I wanted sex w/our 1, 2, or 3 y/o (she was/is a survivor w/o healing). Made 120K$ a yr, I - 45. Has some mh issues so is a bit flamboyant w/emotions. The judge was known (a social worker B4) to make decisions on her own emotion. Seeing my ex's reactive state (& her PhD) attributed it to a reaction from activity on my part (rather then her 'apparent competence'). At any rate, not to develop an even longer post. She was able to sever my legal parental rights (me/children to know each other, me to have shared decision making in their lives, even that -decades our contact was @ a center w/a supervisor 2 hr 2xmo). This is some one who has had suicidal attempts, is a member of the 12 Step group sex & love addicts anonymous, is a work-a-holic, etc. I was financially ruined (50% of my income for near 20 yrs) while this, her 3rd marriage (2nd w/children), was mainly following her around the country w/each move (she needed to move 5 X in 7 yrs) where my wrk (need to B settled, become known/trusted in the locale) became 2ndary - I became main caretaker ofa 30something a new born'na 6 y/o. Isolated, home bound - I should have got the payments rather than they run the other way (o0OP, that's for 'child care' post separation). Gettin ona rant here, LOTs MORE, better stop.
I completely understand accepting failure but I do not understand accepting quitting. Those kids will get older and they will be able decide for themselves. Much like realizing Santa isn't real, logic will eventually set in and they’ll be able to see what is in front of them. My mother was one of these overly emotional scorn women who tried to keep me from my father. I watched it for years and sided with her cause I didn’t know any better. But my father never quit on me. Once I got old enough to realize what was happening (10yrs or so) I told my mother stop it and just let him be. I literally told her to “get over it and grow up.” I have a great relationship with father today cause he didn’t quit on me. If you’re willing to quit on your child you would quit on anything or anyone. Failure is understandable. But walking away is not.
You are supposed to know this up front and understand that's a clue to not get married in the first place.
I would never begrudge a man for saying no to marriage. The system is rigged. Totally understandable to stay away from it.
Buddy of mine has been with the same women for over ten years and hasn't married her yet. Everyone is like “bro, why don’t you marry her?” And I don’t even want to know what her girlfriends say about it. All I say to him is “homie, I understand…”
On a positive note. My wife and I are approaching 40 years (holy POOP). My wife is awesome. NO she is NOT a subservient Asian woman. She is feisty, thin, smart, loving, sharp and we share duties, love and some of our outdoor activities. Watching her be a BaBa (grandma) cracks me up. She loves it and she does not look like any grandma that I ever knew!
She really only gets pissed when I don't feed the relationship - and you know she is right. Example: She will say something and I won't acknowledge it. Not necessarily on purpose on my part, and it might even be something important. I heard her, but absorb, think, then silent - vs just saying wow that's high,low, weird, etc. I'm working on it. WWW made me like this!!
Anyway very near our wedding anniversary. Good stuff.
I'm human, I notice women, but I can cut the fantasy right there. Total disrespect undressing with one's mind..........but as someone above mentioned we have been conditioned to do this, so one can uncondition. Takes a bit of self control. Rare!
She really only gets pissed when I don't feed the relationship - and you know she is right. Example: She will say something and I won't acknowledge it. Not necessarily on purpose on my part, and it might even be something important. I heard her, but absorb, think, then silent - vs just saying wow that's high,low, weird, etc. I'm working on it. WWW made me like this!!
Anyway very near our wedding anniversary. Good stuff.
I'm human, I notice women, but I can cut the fantasy right there. Total disrespect undressing with one's mind..........but as someone above mentioned we have been conditioned to do this, so one can uncondition. Takes a bit of self control. Rare!
You know, one net effect of all this is that it's a cautionary tale for those who are already married, to stay married if it's at all possible to work it out.
Don't think for a moment though that this woman doesn't drive me to the end of my wits! lol....
Don't think for a moment though that this woman doesn't drive me to the end of my wits! lol....
Exactly the same situation here.
For the last 25 Years, i was regarded often as a sort of weirdo because i never was married and dont have Children. I had my relationships, nevertheelss. Meanwhille, at the age around 50, more and more people, especially men, tell me: "You have done everything right!"
Women seem to choose two sorts of men: The "Bad guy" wich they wont to change and teach over time. This end with a call for police from a blue beaten women some years later, most of the time. Or they want a guy with moeny and high status in Society. 30 Years later, they discover that it was not such a bright idea to only choose a man by the wallet size. And then they discover that they are.......old. And that´s bitter for women.
For the last 25 Years, i was regarded often as a sort of weirdo because i never was married and dont have Children. I had my relationships, nevertheelss. Meanwhille, at the age around 50, more and more people, especially men, tell me: "You have done everything right!"
Women seem to choose two sorts of men: The "Bad guy" wich they wont to change and teach over time. This end with a call for police from a blue beaten women some years later, most of the time. Or they want a guy with moeny and high status in Society. 30 Years later, they discover that it was not such a bright idea to only choose a man by the wallet size. And then they discover that they are.......old. And that´s bitter for women.
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I have never hear any woman complain that the court system is unfair but I have lost track of how many men feel the opposite.
I hear both sexes blaming each other for who the problem was about divorce , but not about the system. It’s mainly men who complain about it.
Of coarse some woman don’t get everything they want in family court but I don’t hear, read stories about them saying the system is biased against them and they would if it was. That says a lot.
If as many woman as men feel the system is biased against them as men do , it would be fixed.
As I write this, my wife agrees with me ( former max security correctional officer ).
Be very careful who you marry and learn from your mistakes if on the second marriage.
And of coarse, as unromantic as it is, protect yourself as much as possible with a cohabitation agreement or prenup.
I lived with a woman ( no kids, common law , in my home ) but was dumb and never had a cohabitation agreement and it was a nightmare to get rid of her legally.
Once she started getting “advice” ( wrong advice legally speaking ) from her divorced friends , it got even worse.
It turned me off life ( system ) and relationships and promised to never move in with a woman again and for sure never get married. Well, it’s been 16 great years now with my wife and it’s been the best thing for me. I never saw myself as a person who would get married and have a kid, but I did.
I promised myself I would only post about aviation but my feelings are that strong I had post what I hear from people ( men and woman ) and notice.
I am not comfortable ( although it’s a fact woman initiate divorce more then men ) blaming one sex more for why relationships end but I am more than comfortable pointing out how biased the system is.
Edit: I vividly recall my lawyer telling me …” the system is biased, it shouldn’t be, but it is ” when I first met him to review my case.
I doubt very much woman have their lawyers tell them the same thing despite not always getting what they want.
I hear both sexes blaming each other for who the problem was about divorce , but not about the system. It’s mainly men who complain about it.
Of coarse some woman don’t get everything they want in family court but I don’t hear, read stories about them saying the system is biased against them and they would if it was. That says a lot.
If as many woman as men feel the system is biased against them as men do , it would be fixed.
As I write this, my wife agrees with me ( former max security correctional officer ).
Be very careful who you marry and learn from your mistakes if on the second marriage.
And of coarse, as unromantic as it is, protect yourself as much as possible with a cohabitation agreement or prenup.
I lived with a woman ( no kids, common law , in my home ) but was dumb and never had a cohabitation agreement and it was a nightmare to get rid of her legally.
Once she started getting “advice” ( wrong advice legally speaking ) from her divorced friends , it got even worse.
It turned me off life ( system ) and relationships and promised to never move in with a woman again and for sure never get married. Well, it’s been 16 great years now with my wife and it’s been the best thing for me. I never saw myself as a person who would get married and have a kid, but I did.
I promised myself I would only post about aviation but my feelings are that strong I had post what I hear from people ( men and woman ) and notice.
I am not comfortable ( although it’s a fact woman initiate divorce more then men ) blaming one sex more for why relationships end but I am more than comfortable pointing out how biased the system is.
Edit: I vividly recall my lawyer telling me …” the system is biased, it shouldn’t be, but it is ” when I first met him to review my case.
I doubt very much woman have their lawyers tell them the same thing despite not always getting what they want.
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Most men aged 18-30 are invisible to women, most women after 40 are invisible to men.
It’s a wast difference in a dating market. Not even 50 years ago, most women knew they have little time to “lock” in their guy and marry.
Now, they are told they’re like men and can do what men do. Sure they can, but nobody tells them the other side, that once they hit mid 30s to 40, they are done. Most men with resources that age have no problem attracting women in their 20s, so why would they choose a 40 year old “boss babe”? That’s what a lot of women today don’t get.
It’s a wast difference in a dating market. Not even 50 years ago, most women knew they have little time to “lock” in their guy and marry.
Now, they are told they’re like men and can do what men do. Sure they can, but nobody tells them the other side, that once they hit mid 30s to 40, they are done. Most men with resources that age have no problem attracting women in their 20s, so why would they choose a 40 year old “boss babe”? That’s what a lot of women today don’t get.
Not true. I got divorced in my mid-20’s and when I hit the market I was smashing anything I wanted. And all of them wanted to lock me down within the first month. Which I wanted no part of. Moreover the “best time” I had during that wild oat sowing was with a 42 year old, smoking hot divorcee who wanted nothing more than boy toy. Which I happily obliged. This overly simplistic notion that people are like bananas and are underripe and overripe at various ages is ridiculous. Humans and human relationships are more complex than this.
I said most and it’s in todays market and based on dating app data, which is how most of the dating is done today. There are exceptions of course.
But the number of men under 30 and not having bedroom fun is growing. You know that comedy 40year old virgin? It’s becoming a reality.
Smashing and long term relationship are two totally different things. You smashed that smoking hot 42 year old but would never put a ring on her in all likelihood.
The thing is that once her “discovery” phase is over, she will want a guy to settle down with again, she will be in for a very rude awakening.
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In 2022 the median age for men getting married was 30 and for women it was 28. Meaning the majority of men were in long term relationships in their 20’s. Not walking around utterly invisible to the opposing sex.
