My grandmother received a call from the L.A. coroner's office on Sunday evening to let her know that my 36 year old sister (actually my stepmother's daughter that my father adopted) had been found dead at a friend's house. They were going through my sister's cell phone trying to locate her next of kin. My grandmother's name is Bea, so I guess that her number was one of the first listed in the phone to call. After providing the caller with my father and stepmother's phone number, my grandmother called me. I waited about 30 minutes and then called my father's house, hoping that my 89 year old grandmother had gotten her facts wrong. She didn't and it appears as though my sister may have died from an accidental overdose, perhaps a combination of pills and alcohol. There was not a suicide note, so we are fairly certain that her death was not intentional. We wont know the actual cause of death, however, until the autopsy and toxicology results are finalized.
My sister had moved to Los Angeles after receiving her BBA from the University of Houston. She was a model, but had appeared in a few movies. Most recently, she was an extra in "Don't Mess with the Zohan". Since she was 36, roles and modeling assignments were getting harder to come by. Without name recognition, I am sure that it's hard for a 36 year old to compete in a town that is full of 20 year old hotties.
She had developed a drug problem along the way, which is most likely common in her line of work. My parents were in denial and I knew nothing about my sister's issues. My stepmother flew out to California to beg my sister to come home, staying for over three weeks. Eventually my stepmother came home because she could not take the onslaught of verbal abuse that my sister dished out when my father and stepmother refused to give her any money.
In the end, she seemed to be in a downward spiral because of the "tough love" approach being used to get her to return to Houston. My parents figured that she could use her college degree to obtain a decent job here in Houston and then return to California one day, but she flat out refused to come home. Shortly thereafter, my parents stopped paying her rent and car note, forcing her to stay with friends and using the bus to get around. Prior to this she had been living in an exclusive high-rise apartment and driving a new BMW. If I had known her situation, perhaps I could have persuaded her to come home. Now, however, I will never get the chance.
I do not feel that giving my sister money would have been the right thing to do, as it would have enabled her to continue down the obviously destructive path she had selected. My stepmother will likely need to be institutionalized when all is said and done. My sister was her only child, so she has lost everything in her mind and fells as though she has no reason to live anymore. She blames herself for not doing more and will not listen to reason. We keep telling her that you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped. Help in my sister's mind consisted of obtaining money, which would have only served to allow her to continue her destructive behavior.
To add insult to injury, we had to make all of the funeral arrangements yesterday. Dealing with the folks at the funeral home felt 10X more sleazy than dealing with a used car salesman. They take advantage of your grief and realize that you do not have the desire or fortitude to negotiate in a rational manner.
I apologize for ranting and thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that those of you who have read this will learn a few things from my experience.
1) Tough Love is a good approach, but if it does not work as intended the worst can, and very well may, happen. My stepmother is playing the "what if" game like a record with a scratch that keeps playing the same line in a song over and over again.
2) Look into funeral planning early, even if you are young. It is a sleazy business and sales folks at funeral homes literally have you over a barrel when a loved one dies unexpectedly.
3) Don't withhold information from family members, especially close family members, when someone in the family is having issues. Someone that gets angry because you have informed other family members about their personal issues will usually get over it, but death is permanent and cannot be undone.
I would not wish what my family and I have gone through these past few days on my worst enemy.....
My sister had moved to Los Angeles after receiving her BBA from the University of Houston. She was a model, but had appeared in a few movies. Most recently, she was an extra in "Don't Mess with the Zohan". Since she was 36, roles and modeling assignments were getting harder to come by. Without name recognition, I am sure that it's hard for a 36 year old to compete in a town that is full of 20 year old hotties.
She had developed a drug problem along the way, which is most likely common in her line of work. My parents were in denial and I knew nothing about my sister's issues. My stepmother flew out to California to beg my sister to come home, staying for over three weeks. Eventually my stepmother came home because she could not take the onslaught of verbal abuse that my sister dished out when my father and stepmother refused to give her any money.
In the end, she seemed to be in a downward spiral because of the "tough love" approach being used to get her to return to Houston. My parents figured that she could use her college degree to obtain a decent job here in Houston and then return to California one day, but she flat out refused to come home. Shortly thereafter, my parents stopped paying her rent and car note, forcing her to stay with friends and using the bus to get around. Prior to this she had been living in an exclusive high-rise apartment and driving a new BMW. If I had known her situation, perhaps I could have persuaded her to come home. Now, however, I will never get the chance.
I do not feel that giving my sister money would have been the right thing to do, as it would have enabled her to continue down the obviously destructive path she had selected. My stepmother will likely need to be institutionalized when all is said and done. My sister was her only child, so she has lost everything in her mind and fells as though she has no reason to live anymore. She blames herself for not doing more and will not listen to reason. We keep telling her that you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped. Help in my sister's mind consisted of obtaining money, which would have only served to allow her to continue her destructive behavior.
To add insult to injury, we had to make all of the funeral arrangements yesterday. Dealing with the folks at the funeral home felt 10X more sleazy than dealing with a used car salesman. They take advantage of your grief and realize that you do not have the desire or fortitude to negotiate in a rational manner.
I apologize for ranting and thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that those of you who have read this will learn a few things from my experience.
1) Tough Love is a good approach, but if it does not work as intended the worst can, and very well may, happen. My stepmother is playing the "what if" game like a record with a scratch that keeps playing the same line in a song over and over again.
2) Look into funeral planning early, even if you are young. It is a sleazy business and sales folks at funeral homes literally have you over a barrel when a loved one dies unexpectedly.
3) Don't withhold information from family members, especially close family members, when someone in the family is having issues. Someone that gets angry because you have informed other family members about their personal issues will usually get over it, but death is permanent and cannot be undone.
I would not wish what my family and I have gone through these past few days on my worst enemy.....
