2018 Random Joke Thread

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SuperSalad

SuperSalad

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us......We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both Engineers have since gotten MBA degrees and become managers.
 
Scott Adams joke..
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One day a man named Dave finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie emerges

Genie: I am the genie of the lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes
Dave: Oh wow, ok. For my first wish, I'd like to be rich.
Genie: Your wish is granted.
Rich: Now for my second wish, I'd like to have a lot of money.
 
A recently widowed woman is sitting at her husband's funeral, when a man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," she replies.

He stands, faces the congregation and in a solemn tone says, "Plethora."

As he walks back to his seat, the woman says, "Thanks, that means a lot."
 
3 friends are playing golf one morning. A hearse leading a funeral procession drives by. One of the golfers stops and places his cap over his heart, until the entire procession has driven by. The second golfer says to the third, "He really has respect for the dead."

The first golfer turns to his companions and says, "I'll say I have respect. That woman gave me the best 30 years of my life."
 
Originally Posted by TheLawnRanger
Did you hear the local optometrist fell into his machine and made a spectacle of himself.

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Originally Posted by MotoTribologist
Both Engineers have since gotten MBA degrees and become managers.


From the time that I was 40, through to about 48 was being pressured to do an MBA...I refused, I won't let them cut the OTHER half my brain out.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
 
Originally Posted by Shannow
Originally Posted by MotoTribologist
Both Engineers have since gotten MBA degrees and become managers.


From the time that I was 40, through to about 48 was being pressured to do an MBA...I refused, I won't let them cut the OTHER half my brain out.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Yes that's one of my favorites. I had almost forgotten about it. Thanks!
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Two engineers and a statistician go buck hunting one morning. As they approach a ridge they spot a buck 100 yards away.

"Stand back fellas, I'll take the shot" says, the first engineer. He fires at the buck and misses by 3 feet to the right.

"Watch out you nimrod, I'll handle this." says the second engineer. He takes aim and fires, missing 3 feet to the left.

"Ooooh, we got him!" shouts the statistician.
 
Once upon a time a handsome prince asked a beautiful princess to marry him
She said no
And he lived happily ever after
 
A buddy called me last night asking to crash on my couch.

I had to kindly explain to him that I'm married now..................and that's where I sleep.
 
An imam, a rabbi, and a priest all walk into a bar.

The bartender turns and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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